Are you ready for some football?

Folks take their football pretty seriously around these parts: Some sociologists even consider football fandom as a kind of religion.

Like different religious persuasions, many fans have their own rituals that delineate them from the guy across the salsa dip, and it's a good idea -- in the interest of cross-cultural exchanges -- to know who you're watching the Big Game with. So, as a reader's service, we're providing the following guidelines for "football denominations."

Evangelical -- wears jerseys and foam fingers at work as a witness of his team's greatness
Baptist -- jives on the whole Gatorade dunking at the end
Presbyterian -- feels the game's outcome has been pre-ordained
Methodist -- brought the best food
Unitarian-Universalist -- likes ALL the teams equally
Seeker -- asks what a shovel pass is
Mennonite -- wears only retro jerseys
Amish -- forgave Terrell Owens for being such a jerk
Religious Right -- questions why the quarterback spends so much time touching the center's butt
Pentecostal -- lays hands on T.V. for better reception
Fundamentalist -- likes the old leather helmets best
Postmodern/emergent -- asks fellow fans "how they feel" when team struggles
Atheist -- believes the game is made up by greedy advertisers
Heretic -- came wearing an Oakland Raiders jersey
Catholic -- feels guilty about not rooting hard enough
Lutherans -- post 95 suggestions for the coach on your TV screen